Copyright \u00a9 2006, M. R. Sellars<\/strong><\/p>\n Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,<\/p>\n Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse.<\/p>\n Her wet stockings were hung in the bathroom with care,<\/p>\n My razor was dull and full of her leg hair.<\/p>\n \n My wife was nestled all snug in our bed,<\/p>\n While visions of shoe sales danced in her head.<\/p>\n When out in the living room there arose such a clatter,<\/p>\n I sprang from my keyboard to empty my bladder.<\/p>\n And what to my wondering eyes should appear,<\/p>\n But some fat S.O.B. drinking my last beer.<\/p>\n \n His eyes were unfocused, and his cheeks were a-flush,<\/p>\n I could tell at a glance that Santa was a lush.<\/p>\n His knees how they wobbled as he finished with a slurp,<\/p>\n Then he got up from his chair and let out a burp!<\/p>\n \u201cHi there, young fella,\u201d he said with a *hic*<\/p>\n \u201cBest get outta my way, I think I\u2019m gonna be sick!\u201d<\/p>\n \n He rushed to the bathroom and I heard my wife scream,<\/p>\n Seems she was in there and didn\u2019t think this too keen.<\/p>\n What was next to occur was kind of a shock,<\/p>\n I found her pummeling Santa with our new alarm clock!<\/p>\n \u201cHey honey, chill out!\u201d I said with a start.<\/p>\n \u201cSurely you don\u2019t wanna kill the old fart!\u201d<\/p>\n \n \u201cLook lady,\u201d Santa cried as he lurched and careened,<\/p>\n \u201cI only got airsick \u2019cause I forgot my Dramamine!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSo you\u2019re NOT just some drunk?\u201d I asked as he scratched his crotch.<\/p>\n \u201cOf course not,\u201d he replied, \u201cBut I WILL take a Scotch!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cAnd to show there\u2019re no hard feelings,\u201d he chortled with glee,<\/p>\n \u201cTell me what is it you\u2019d like to find under your tree.\u201d<\/p>\n \n I took a sharp breath, and held it inside,<\/p>\n Santa you fool, you\u2019d better run and hide.<\/p>\n You\u2019ve asked the wrong question, instead of the right,<\/p>\n And now you\u2019re gonna be here the rest of the night.<\/p>\n \n My wife\u2019s eyes sparkled, teeth showing as she grinned,<\/p>\n And the next thing I knew she had the guy pinned!<\/p>\n Catalogs flew, and flyers they fluttered,<\/p>\n Creating immediately a large pile of clutter.<\/p>\n Santa couldn\u2019t move and his eyes filled with fright,<\/p>\n Seeing her chance my redhead squealed with delight!<\/p>\n \n \u201cSome diamonds and pearls, from this place and that!<\/p>\n Some pumps and some boots, and maybe a hat!\u201d<\/p>\n She ran down her list in a voice filled with glee,<\/p>\n All I could think was \u201cI\u2019m glad it\u2019s not me!\u201d<\/p>\n \n Santa wriggled and squirmed as she sat on his chest,<\/p>\n Then he shouted and hollered, \u201cHey, give it a rest!\u201d<\/p>\n But my wife wasn\u2019t finished, that much I knew,<\/p>\n For she held that elf down and started anew.<\/p>\n \n \u201cSapphires and rubies, and rings of white gold,<\/p>\n I don\u2019t even care if they\u2019re new or they\u2019re old!<\/p>\n A black leather jacket and a skirt that goes with it,<\/p>\n Matching gloves and a gift card that spends without limit!<\/p>\n A full length fur coat, synthetic of course,<\/p>\n Hey! Are you taking this down? Don\u2019t make me use force!\u201d<\/p>\n \n The old guy kept kicking, and somehow broke free,<\/p>\n How he managed to do so was way beyond me.<\/p>\n But my redhead was behind him as he sprang for the door,<\/p>\n While she screamed, \u201cNo, don\u2019t leave now, for I want so much more!\u201d<\/p>\n Santa ran through my yard as though he were scared,<\/p>\n And I can\u2019t say I blamed him, for I doubted I\u2019d be spared.<\/p>\n \n He hollered, as he raced, his words not too thrilling,<\/p>\n In fact I must say they were in all senses chilling.<\/p>\n With what he said, I had no choice but to agree,<\/p>\n For she was all wound up and he was leaving her with me.<\/p>\n \n Now here\u2019s the last thing I heard, as he fled from this strife,<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d stay for that scotch, but I\u2019m afraid of your wife!\u201d<\/p>\n \n The Redhead Enslaves The Claus<\/p><\/div>\n \n And now, a bit of explanation about this poem…<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n I feel compelled to give you all the history behind my version of \u201cTwas the Night Before Xmas\u201d\u2026<\/em>And, no, it isn\u2019t because EK<\/a> has me in a choke hold, or that she is standing over me with a flogger\u2026<\/p>\n \n Anyhow, the posted version of \u201cTwasXmas\u201d is one that is slightly tweaked, with a couple of extra verses added. The \u201coriginal\u201d psycho-redheaded-material girl<\/em> filk of this timeless poem was written by me back in December, 1995. Yes, pre Rowan Gant<\/a> (but not by much, as I began writing the short stories upon which the RGI series<\/a> are based in 1996.)<\/p>\n Some of you may be aware that I had a long career as a Senior Level Electronics Technician, and in July of \u201995 I was stolen away from the service center I managed by a company that had landed a lucrative contract with none other than Western Union<\/a>. They needed someone capable of doing component level repair on old Concord Payment Terminals. Now, while I had never even seen one of these\u00a0blue beasts\u00a0before going to work for this company, I was part of a dying breed of technician\u2013meaning, not only could I work on computers, but I actually knew how to use an Oscilloscope, Logic Probe,\u00a0Solder\/Desolder Station, as well as being able to read schematics. This meant that I could take one of these little beggars apart, track down the offending components (logic IC\u2019s, resistors, capacitors, crystals, what have you) and replace them. They offered me A\u00a0BUNCH of money to come work for them, as well as some especially tidy bonuses if I could meet a particular quota of repairs. At the risk of blowing my own horn, I actually did 2.5 times the quota each year\u2013so the bonuses were very nice.<\/strong><\/p>\n So, there is the setup. I left a management position to become a bench tech for another company. While that seems a step down, the dollars made it quite a step up.<\/p>\n However, something I discovered after joining this company is that during the annual Xmas Party, the newest member of the staff was required to Sing, Dance, or in some fashion briefly entertain the rest of the staff. Having been hired on in July, I hoped that I would be spared by a\u00a0more recent\u00a0hire\u00a0but alas, that was not to be. When the holiday party rolled around, I was still the newest kid on the block, and 2 minutes of silly entertainment was expected of me.<\/p>\n Since I cannot carry a tune in a bucket, even if I have help, (just ask the Barstool Prophets\u2026I sat in with them during a party held in my honor at <\/em>Violet Flame Gifts<\/em><\/a> in Ohio and croaked through a song or two\u2026in my defense I was rather inebriated, but I digress\u2026) <\/em>As I was saying, since my ear is apparently composed of a tin-aluminum alloy, I asked if it would be okay for me to recite a poem instead. (Yeah, I can\u2019t dance either\u2026think Elaine from Seinfeld)\u2026They were all for that and so it was set. However, you know me. I couldn\u2019t see my way clear to recite something serious, and \u201cTwasXmas\u201d was born.<\/p>\n I actually have the two fading yellow sheets of legal pad paper upon which the original version was written here on my desk. I dug them out of my files so that I could transcribe the bit of rhyme here, and of course, decided to tweak it a bit in the process\u2026(One of those silly writer things)<\/p>\n But, this isn\u2019t where the story ends\u2026(Yeah, here comes the part about E K<\/a>)\u2026The poem was written all in fun. The absolute truth of the matter is that E K<\/a> is one of the most practical\u00a0individuals on the face of the earth. Were the scenario in the poem real, she would be more likely to offer the fat SOB a Scotch, then sit down and calmly talk to him about her list which would contain such items as warm socks, an electric blanket, or maybe\u00a0some new towels for the linen closet. I kid you not.<\/p>\n Yes, “Virginia”, the only thing material about my redhead is the fact that I spoil her with material things whenever I can afford it. Oh, she\u2019s still Evil, don\u2019t misunderstand. She\u2019s just not a material kind of Evil\u2026 So, there you have it.<\/p>\n Have a very Merrie Axemas<\/em><\/strong>…<\/p>\n More to come…<\/p>\n Murv<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" BRAINPAN RE-LEAK: Twas the night… Classic holiday poem re-imagined by author M. R. Sellars…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84,39,497,76,5,105,4,7],"tags":[2929,3397,8172,2105,1391,2641,3398,3224,1523,8144,8176,8115,1203,2670,1092,3399,1889,1997,56,2259],"class_list":["post-6448","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-author-silliness","category-blogging","category-evil-redhead","category-humor-life","category-life","category-nostalgia-life","category-romance-and-relationships","category-writing","tag-bathroom","tag-concord-payment-terminals","tag-hair","tag-holiday","tag-kid","tag-list","tag-logic-probe","tag-merrie-axemas","tag-paper","tag-party","tag-redhead","tag-rgi","tag-shoe","tag-show","tag-socks","tag-solder-desolder-station","tag-song","tag-story","tag-wife","tag-work"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6448","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6448"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6448\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6448"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6448"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6448"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"http:\/\/mrsellars.com\/mrblog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/12\/EK-and-Santa.jpg\" "\\"EK")
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\n<\/strong><\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/p>\n