So, I’ve had multiple requests for a “repeat” of the “Gospels of the Bean” updates\/tweets from a while back. In fact, I’ve even had folks requesting them for Christmas. Since I’ve been so busy with Luetsencurbenpuken (yes, I still need to post some pictures from 2010) and such, I neglected to have a blog entry ready for this morning… Therefore… Yeah. I’m going to get my lazy on and do a big old copy and paste from the “Gospels of the Bean” text file.<\/p>\n
Since I am writing this while pumping bean jooce into myself, AND I will need to go roust the o-spring and redhead very soon, this is going to be pretty haphazard. As in, no particular order. I have a busy day ahead and, besides, you know how my mind works anyway…<\/p>\n
WHAT IS COFFEE?<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n cof-fee [kaw-fee, kof-ee] -noun : decoction of crushed, roasted seeds ingested primarily as a vehicle for caffeine delivery. – I haz some.<\/p>\n COFFEE COMMANDMENTS “And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God\u2026”<\/em><\/p>\n “1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”<\/p>\n “2: You shall not make for yourself a false coffee, such as anything that is in the likeness of decaf.”<\/p>\n “3: You shall not spill the brew of the BEAN in vain.”<\/p>\n “4: Remember the birthday of Saint Juan Valdez, to keep it holy.”<\/p>\n “5: Honor thy roasts, espresso, dark, medium, regular, and all in between.”<\/p>\n “6: You shall not murder after partaking of the brew. Before is okay, after, not so much.”<\/p>\n “7: You shall not drink tea as opposed to coffee, for this act is to commit adultery against the BEAN.”<\/p>\n “8: You shall not steal the coffee of another.”<\/p>\n “9: You shall not falsely accuse thy neighbor of being a cola drinker.”<\/p>\n “10: You shall not covet your neighbor’s Bunn, Krups, Saeco, etc.”<\/p>\n GOSPELS OF THE BEAN<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n \n \n On the third day, Starbuck said to them, “Drink this and you will live, for it is of the BEAN.” Gevalia 42:18<\/p>\n BEAN said,”In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, COFFEE will overcome.” Juan 16:33<\/p>\n And Juan did according to all that the BEAN commanded him. – Gevalia 7:5<\/p>\n When Starbuck partook of the coffee, he bowed down to the ground before the BEAN. – Gevalia 24:52<\/p>\n Starbuck said to the baristas, “Come here and listen to the words of the BEAN your God.” – Starbuck 3:9<\/p>\n “It will produce caffeinated beverages for you, and you will drink the brew of the BEAN.” – Gevalia 3:18<\/p>\n “And BEAN spoke all these words, saying: I am BEAN, your God\u2026 1: You shall have no other caffeinated beverages before Me.”<\/p>\n The angel of BEAN said to me in the diner, ‘Coffee?’ I answered, ‘Yes, please.’ – Gevalia 31:11<\/p>\n “So BEAN created coffee in its own image, in the image of BEAN it created brew; Arabica and Canephora it created them.” – Gevalia 1:27<\/p>\n “So Juan moved his tents and went to live near the mountains, where he built an altar to the BEAN.” – Gevalia 13:18<\/p>\n BEAN said to Coffee, “Where is your brother Espresso?”, “I dunno,” he replied. “Do I look like a Starbucks?” Gevalia 4:9<\/p>\n The Bean said, “It is not good for mankind to be groggy. I will make a caffeinated drink suitable for them.” – Gevalia 2:18<\/p>\n Bean said, “Let there be brew,” and there was brew. Bean saw that brew was good, and separated brew from grounds. – Gevalia 1:3<\/p>\n For coffee so loved the world it gave its one and only brew, that whoever drinks it shall be not foul but have good mood. – Krups 3:16<\/p>\n Brew not, and you shall not have coffee. Drink not, and you shall not be awake. \u2014 2 Juan,\u00a0 6:37<\/p>\n “Now, my Coffee, may your bean be ground and your caffeine extracted for the drinkers of your brew.” — 2 Starbucks,\u00a0 6:40<\/p>\n \n “He who has coffee is better than the coffeeless; and he that drinketh his coffee than he that doesn’t.” – 1 Peaberry, 16:32<\/p>\n “Tea may endure for a night, but coffee cometh in the morning.” — Peaberry 30:5<\/p>\n May the glory of the bean endure forever; may the bean rejoice in its caffeine – 1 Folgers, 2:19<\/p>\n \n Awaken me, O COFFEE, for your caffeine is kind; With your great stimulant, lead me to the path of consciousness. \u2014Starbuck 69:69<\/p>\n \n \n \n \n COFFEE PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Coffee makes all things new again. A public service announcement of the Church of the Latter Day Bean…<\/p>\n \n PENNANCE<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Tea is an Aqueous sin and Cola is both an Aqueous and a Carbonic sin, making it far worse. 24 Hail Peaberries minimum<\/p>\n COFFEE PRAYER Oh coffee, who art in cup, Java be thy name. Thy espresso shot, rich and hot, just keep the refills a comin’…<\/p>\n Oh coffee, who art in cup, peaberry be thy name. Thy caffeine come, as I swill one, do they have refills in heaven?<\/p>\n COFFEE AFFRIMATIONS<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Coffee is great, coffee is good, I’d best go drink some before I’m rude…<\/p>\n Coffee is great, coffee is good. Better give me more before I get rude…<\/p>\n Coffee is great, coffee is good, let us thank it for our mood…<\/p>\n Thou hast raised me from sleep, O coffee; awaken my mind and open my lips, that I may praise Thee, O Holy Trinity- Bean, creamer, and sugar.<\/p>\n Glory be to the bean and to the grinder and to the water, as it was in the beginning, but is now, coffee without end.<\/p>\n Coffee…grant me the strength to pour, the serenity to brew when the pot is empty, and the wisdom to not kill anyone yet.<\/p>\n \n COFFEE CONFESSIONS<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n Confession time – I have a little plastic statue of Juan Valdez and his donkey on the dash of my truck…<\/p>\n I like my coffee straight up, no frills. But when I feel a little kinky, I put on one of my wife’s negligees and have an espresso…<\/p>\n FROM THE COFFEE HYMNAL<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n I like my coffee bay-bee! Hot, fresh, and… well, not so sticky. But strong, yes. Stronger the better. (Rock Candy)<\/p>\n Coffee, coffee, bo boffee, banana bana, fo foffee, fee, fi, mo, moffee! KAW-FEE! (The Name Game)<\/p>\n Have another cup of coffee, but don’t be sloppy, be careful don’t spill it, when you refill it, have another cup of coffee…\u00a0 (Manic Monday)<\/p>\n COFFEE IS…<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n Coffee is… The only thing that keeps me from climbing the clock tower with a rifle in the morning.<\/p>\n Coffee is… My Mistress, and damn she’s hot and steamy…<\/p>\n Coffee is… An essential part of the food pyramid.<\/p>\n Coffee is… Do I really need to embellish here?<\/p>\n Coffee is… Not just a good idea, it’s the law.<\/p>\n Coffee is… My own personal Prozac.<\/p>\n COFFEE QUOTES<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n I need a faster coffee bean juicer…<\/p>\n Coffee… There can be only one.<\/p>\n Coffee… Not just a good idea. It’s a way of life.<\/p>\n If it weren’t for coffee, well then, I guess I’d just have to be an even bigger asshole today…<\/p>\n I love the smell of coffee in the morning… Smells like… burnt coffea canephora berries actually…<\/p>\n It is by coffee alone I set my mind in motion. It is by juice of the bean that thoughts acquire speed, desk stained, cup empty…<\/p>\n Ahhh… Freshly squeezed coffea canephora juice… It just makes the world look so much more… well… tolerable.<\/p>\n Chemicals my ass! Without COFFEE, life itself would be impossible…<\/p>\n COFFEE QUESTIONS<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n How many beans do you have to squeeze for one cup of coffee?<\/p>\n More to come…<\/p>\n Murv<\/p>\n \n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" An ode to the most perfect drink of all… Coffee. Satire and irreverence from author M. R. Sellars<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[84,85,3136,76,5,156,2147,4,77,7],"tags":[3040,2382,251,3407,530,1836,2402,2893,1200,3409,458,3410,2134,2025,3408,940,3412,3411,979,2084,208],"class_list":["post-6421","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-author-silliness","category-festivals","category-food-2","category-humor-life","category-life","category-parenthood","category-rgi-ghoul-squad","category-romance-and-relationships","category-silliness","category-writing","tag-3040","tag-2382","tag-art","tag-bean","tag-coffee","tag-drink","tag-end","tag-espresso","tag-file","tag-hail-peaberries","tag-hot","tag-juan-valdez","tag-law","tag-neighbor","tag-pennance","tag-questions","tag-saint-juan-valdez","tag-so-juan","tag-starbucks","tag-wisdom","tag-words"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6421","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=6421"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6421\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=6421"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=6421"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.brainpanleakage.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=6421"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}
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