BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

So… What would make a man who is on a gear down, VFR approach to 50 “squeee” like a little kid on Christmas morning? Especially when he is a guy who is completely taken aback whenever a fan “squeees” at him during a book signing?  (I even had one poor lady break down into a trembling, crying fit when she met me at a bookstore… I wasn’t sure what to make of that at all.)

Well, let me see if I can explain exactly what it takes to turn me into an instant “fan boy” without even adding water…

Those of you who read Brainpan Leakage on a regular basis are well aware of my involvement with the “Back To Frank Black” campaign, whereby we die-hard fans of the television show Millennium are trying to cajole the studio into making a movie to wrap up the series (at the very least). Because of this I have had the good fortune to be invited onto the “Millennium Group Sessions Podcast” on several occasions. First to be interviewed about my work and how my Rowan Gant novels are similar in genre to the show, and since then to be a part of the “on air” cast who discuss episodes and all things “Millennium.”

Troy Foreman and James Mclean host the show and have actually become good friends – albeit long-distance, what with one of them living on the East coast and the other in the U. K.

I know, I know, get on with it Murv… What’s up with the “squeee”?

Well, you see, in just a few hours we will be recording another episode of the Millennium Group Sessions, and I have once again been invited to be a part of this particular show. Ostensibly my invite had been to participate in a Millennium Trivia survey, which just last night I discovered to be a cunning ruse cooked up by the hosts. The only reason I found out is because I was begging off this go around due to the plethora of problems we are having over at the rental house we are rehabbing (look for another blog on that subject very soon)… However, when I sent the email Troy replied with a note telling me he had to fess up – they actually wanted me to come on the show to help them interview one of the actors from Millennium, and they had wanted it to be a surprise.

Yes, folks. In just a few short hours I will be making a big ol’  check mark on my personal “bucket list”… I am going to be chatting with Megan Gallagher.

Insert Man Squeee here…

Aww hell, I’m not proud, insert two squeees and a happy dance around my office…

In case you have been living under a rock, Ms. Gallagher portrayed Catherine Black – Frank Black’s wife – on the series. I have been a fan of her work ever since seeing her on such shows as Hill Street Blues and China Beach.

When she showed up on Millennium I was almost ecstatic.

And, as those of you who are on Myspace already know, she is listed prominently under the heading “People I’d Like To Meet” – Of course, it also states that I would probably vapor lock and babble unintelligible drivel if that ever happened. It’s probably a good thing this interview will all be done via Skype, otherwise I would most likely frighten the poor woman away.

Now, some of you may wonder why I am so smitten with Ms. Gallagher. Well, I think her photos make that obvious. However, beside the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous she is an incredible actress. The range of expression she conveys without uttering a single word simply amazes me.

And to those of you who are regular readers here, I am sure you are wondering what The Evil Redhead thinks about all of this. Well, she actually finds it amusing. Truth is, there has been a running joke between us for the 20+ years we’ve been married – If we ever parted ways, she was going to go hook up with Pierce Brosnan, and I was going to go hook up with Megan Gallagher.

For the record – E K and I are NOT parting ways – I’m way too smitten with my wife, and she doesn’t want to train another lackey –  furthermore, as noted above the bit about hooking up with celebs was a joke. We are NOT obsessed stalker types. I personally have had to deal with a couple of my own fans who have crossed that line and it’s… it’s just… well, creepy and scary.

At any rate, thanks to Troy and James I will be chatting with Megan Gallagher today…

Insert another Man Squeee here…

…So, my apologies in advance for any broken glass my incessant squeeeing may cause throughout the day.

Now, if I can just manage to get through the interview without sounding like a completely tongue-tied idiot or scaring the poor woman…

More to come…

Murv

“Tits!…Why… There must be 57 tits up there.”

Back in the days of vinyl record albums containing recorded concerts of such funny folk as Richard Pryor, George Carlin, and Robin Williams, there was also Steve Martin. Mister Martin is arguably one of the funniest people of the late 70’s / early 80’s, and is still insanely hilarious to this day, albeit with a different bent to his humor. In case you haven’t done the math just yet, the line about “tits” was from one of his comedy routines – quite obviously the “odd number” being the major component of the punch line.

And, of course, this brings me around to what I am really here to talk about – that being, web marketing. You see, targeted web marketing has become the big thing over the past few years. These days data aggregators look at your searches, the personal info that you’ve put out there, and everything else they can glean from your time spent on the Internet, and  then proceed to customize a barrage of ads specifically for you.

However, sometimes their aim is a bit off – as is the case with this odd number of tits on my screen. Not that there is actually an odd number of breasts, mind you. Just that it is odd that there is any number of them on my screen whatsoever. You see, some of the really major culprits where targeted web ads are concerned happens to be the sidebars of social networking sites. In the case of “Myspank” they tend to get really obnoxious. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been approving friend requests, only to have an embedded shockwave-flash video of some twenty something cutie giggling and smiling at me as she ostensibly carries on a chatroom-esque conversation with yours truly. Problem is, I can’t see what she’s supposedly saying to me… However, my also unseen replies must be pretty damned witty, because she giggles a lot and makes bedroom eyes at me. Too bad I’m old enough to be her father. If I was a hormonal twenty-something single guy, I might be flattered. If I was a hormonal teenage guy, well hell, I’d fall for it in a heartbeat. But, the fact of the matter is none of the cuties they’ve paired with my profile to date can hold a candle to E K, so it’s a moot point. (Just for the record, she didn’t make me say that… This time, anyway.)

However, lately, even though I’m listed as married, the web marketers of the Myspank platform seem to be under the impression that I am single. Either that, or they know something about my marriage that I don’t. Obviously, this is where the “tits” come in.

As you can see, thus far they have actually managed to keep the breasts to an even number. However, for fear that I might become bored with the same pair of “tits” in my face repeatedly – see, I told you they knew nothing about marriage – they have made sure they have a bevy of busty young things arching their backs through various chest thrusting, cleavage revealing, shirt stretching poses. And, all of this appears to be for the express purpose of getting me to join a service that would let me hook up with “Local Singles”.

Interesting…

I mean, what with it being targeted marketing and all, they should already know I’m married. So, if they are trying to tease me into being unfaithful, why in the hell would I care if the other party is single? Just something to consider…know what I mean?

Of course, that’s not even the half of it. Just have a look. Based on the photos they keep pushing at me, it would seem more like they were advertising doubles, not singles. Pairs, not Aces. But, I guess that’s all just a matter of semantics, eh? But, even if we follow their logic, the fact of the matter is, I don’t feel like I’m looking at “singles”… I feel like I’m looking at the public teaser images for a porn site. Either that or an advertisement for brassieres.

And, on the note of targeting the marketing… Since all manner of aggregating bots pick up all sorts of keywords and such from my blogs, text entries, and what have you on the web, it would seem they might have run across the fact that I’m not really a “boob guy” at some point. I’m thinking they’d be better off trying to tempt me with a shapely set of gams…

But hey, maybe they know what I like better than I do. Maybe “tits” will grow on me… But, let’s hope not.

Now, don’t get me wrong. All of the ladies they have paraded across my screen are perfectly lovely. And, in the endowment department they definitely aren’t lacking by any stretch of the imagination. I’m fairly certain they have a good bit of the alphabet covered.  In fact, a couple of them look to me like they would benefit from a lifetime supply of Doan’s Pills. (For the younger crowd out there, Doan’s Pills are a pain reliever that was originally marketed for backaches. They are still around these days, but they don’t seem to be advertised anywhere near as much as they were in the past.)

But, you know, the thing that gets me the most about these particular ads isn’t even their frequency – which is high. And, when I say high I mean, as in at least every other refresh, and often times even more. Nor is it the fact that undoubtedly not a single one of the ladies pictured have anything at all to do with this supposed “singles meeting service”. Nope. Even as disturbing in a sense as all that is, it’s not the real kicker.

I mean, let’s face the facts, in 5 minutes on “Myspank” I end up seeing more “tits” than if I spent all afternoon with a copy of “Big Busted Babes,” “Melons On Parade,” or some other breast-centric porn magazine, so in reality it gets to be just a bit numbing to the senses.

So, nope, none of the above… The thing that stands out – pun not intended – is the fact that if I don’t click on the ad, which by the way, I never have, they get pushy about it. And, by pushy I don’t mean they show me a model in a push-up bra. They’ve already been doing that, in some cases anyway. Nope, you see, what they do is go out of their way to draw extra attention to the “tits” in question. How? By writing on them, of course. These poor women suddenly become living Goodyear blimps… (I say blimps, and not just blimp, because there are two, and well, you get the idea…)

Anyway, the marketing geniuses seem to believe that I will somehow get a vicarious thrill by placing the mouse pointer over the two dimensional “tits” and watching it turn into a hand. I suppose if I was a little perverted… Well… Wait… Actually I am a little perverted… In a good way though… But, that’s beside the point… If I was into the whole “boob thing” and I was also just a little off kilter in the braincase… Or a little desperate, I suppose… I guess maybe I could get all excited about moving that virtual hand around a bit before clicking on a strategic location or two. My guess is, that’s exactly what they are going for. Maybe I should do a poll of the 18 to 24 year old males with pages on “Myspank”. I bet they could tell me…

You know, if they are going to all this trouble to get my attention, I almost have to wonder what they are showing the women users when they log on?  And, do they tailor to sexual orientation? I mean, come on… I have lesbian friends who would probably like to see what I’m being targeted with… And, I have gay friends who I suspect would rather see what’s being dished out to the women, if it is in fact what I think it might be.

See, now, in my mind that would be targeted marketing.

Finally, on the note of what the ladies are being shown. Truth is, I have no idea. But, if I had to speculate, I figure they are probably seeing some buff guy with a Kielbasa stuffed into his pants… Or maybe a parsnip if the model happens to be a vegan. Of course, I suppose it could just be a pair of socks or some such. But, I really don’t think I have any desire to go looking for a picture in order to figure it out. I’ll let you do that yourself.

In any event, I guess something like that would explain why E K suddenly started spending so much time on “Myspank” as of late…

More to come…

Murv