BRAINPAN LEAKAGE

Usually when you find me talking about SPAM, I’m babbling (and drooling) about my favorite pressed, canned, pork leavin’s. That lovely ham-like, mystery protein that can be found in any market, lasts a little bit of forever, and is considered a near delicacy in Howarya (Hawaii).

I’ve never really had a desire to visit that little cluster of islands, to be honest, however, I do happen to like pineapple, coconut, and SPAM, so maybe I should give it a go sometime…

But, I digress…

This particular time I am not here to drool about food. I’m actually going to talk about what everyone under the age of 30 thinks of when they hear the word SPAM… Yes. Unwanted email solicitations from somewhere out in the ether.

Having spent many years as an Internet Systems Admin for an ISP, I am intimately familiar with the electronic version of SPAM. Of course, even if I hadn’t had such a job I’d still be familiar with the stuff because anyone with an email account is deluged with it daily. SPAM filters try their best to weed it out, but the crafty little beggars behind SPAM weasel their way around the virtual assassins whenever possible.

Now, the thing is I can actually understand SPAM to some extent. It’s just like junk mail that shows up in your mailbox in front of your house. Stuff addressed to Resident, or Occupant… You know, the things you give to the 4 year old who is desperate to receive some mail just like mommy and daddy. The thing about said SPAM/Junk Mail, however, is that it has an overarching purpose. It is trying to sell you something.

Siding…

Windows…

A really bitchin’ set of shelf speakers…

An amazing device that when attached to an average canister vacuum will ionize (or deionize, whichever is necessary) the air in your home automatically, making it smell springtime fresh and adding 10 years to your life…

Know what I mean? It gives you a sales pitch, pretty pictures, and an order blank… Sometimes even a coupon for 50% off on orders of two or more.

Over the years, the electronic cousin of Junk Mail, that being SPAM, has done the same thing, albeit for different products. In the case of email junk I am usually getting an offer for a Russian Bride, a breast enlargement, Acai Berry Juice, or Generic Viagra.

Annoying, yes. I mean, after all, E K would kill me if I brought home a Russian Bride (not to mention the bigamy consequences)…

I don’t need a breast enlargement – (hell, I had gynecomastia reduction surgery a few years ago, so why would I want to reverse it? I’m not made of money, ya’know, and besides, it hurt like hell… And not the good kind of hurt either if you know what I mean – wink wink nudge nudge- Even E K felt sorry for me.)

I can get Acai Berry at the supermarket. It even comes mixed with Apple Sauce – how cool is that? AND, I have coupons…

Finally, Wee Willie Winky has no trouble saluting whenever instructed to do so by the Evil Redhead. At least, at this point in my life he doesn’t. E K sees to that, thank you very much… But, if I end up needing the little blue pill later down the road, I will consult my physician and go see my local pharmacist.

Still, as annoying as it is, it all makes sense. Color pictures, provocative wording, and even coupons… It’s a sales tactic… It’s direct marketing.

I get it… Really, I do.

Or I did, up until just the other day. I think maybe this has something to do with the SPAMmers tactics in order to get around the filters, but here’s the thing – if the SPAM doesn’t make any sense, what good is it?

For example, the particular email that showed up in my inbox the other day and proceeded to spark this particular missive is as follows:

Subject:  AAA Christian sex Premature Ejaculation Cure

Body:  A Christian sex Premature Ejaculation Cukrre www. via65. com.
When Aliens tAtack Pormotional Trailer

This was followed by another email:

Subject:  Female Orgasms From a Woman - 11 Thing She Does When You
Are Not Lookiing

Body:  Female Orgasms From a Woman -- 1 Thilng She Does When You
Are Not Looking
www. via65. com. Woman Trying to Cheecat on Drug Test Asks Clerk to
Microwave Prosthetic penis Device

Can any of you tell me what I’m supposed to be buying here? I mean, I sure as hell have no clue…

Oh well, I guess it’s just one of those things, and I’ll just have to accept it.

Besides, I’m already late for my Christian Drug Test at the theater where they are showing the promotional trailer for the new Alien Attack movie, and I still have to microwave my prosthetic penis device, otherwise I won’t be able to prematurely ejaculate on the cheat sheet when the clerk isn’t looking.

You know… I think I’ll go make myself a Spam Sammich…

More to come…

Murv

So… What would make a man who is on a gear down, VFR approach to 50 “squeee” like a little kid on Christmas morning? Especially when he is a guy who is completely taken aback whenever a fan “squeees” at him during a book signing?  (I even had one poor lady break down into a trembling, crying fit when she met me at a bookstore… I wasn’t sure what to make of that at all.)

Well, let me see if I can explain exactly what it takes to turn me into an instant “fan boy” without even adding water…

Those of you who read Brainpan Leakage on a regular basis are well aware of my involvement with the “Back To Frank Black” campaign, whereby we die-hard fans of the television show Millennium are trying to cajole the studio into making a movie to wrap up the series (at the very least). Because of this I have had the good fortune to be invited onto the “Millennium Group Sessions Podcast” on several occasions. First to be interviewed about my work and how my Rowan Gant novels are similar in genre to the show, and since then to be a part of the “on air” cast who discuss episodes and all things “Millennium.”

Troy Foreman and James Mclean host the show and have actually become good friends – albeit long-distance, what with one of them living on the East coast and the other in the U. K.

I know, I know, get on with it Murv… What’s up with the “squeee”?

Well, you see, in just a few hours we will be recording another episode of the Millennium Group Sessions, and I have once again been invited to be a part of this particular show. Ostensibly my invite had been to participate in a Millennium Trivia survey, which just last night I discovered to be a cunning ruse cooked up by the hosts. The only reason I found out is because I was begging off this go around due to the plethora of problems we are having over at the rental house we are rehabbing (look for another blog on that subject very soon)… However, when I sent the email Troy replied with a note telling me he had to fess up – they actually wanted me to come on the show to help them interview one of the actors from Millennium, and they had wanted it to be a surprise.

Yes, folks. In just a few short hours I will be making a big ol’  check mark on my personal “bucket list”… I am going to be chatting with Megan Gallagher.

Insert Man Squeee here…

Aww hell, I’m not proud, insert two squeees and a happy dance around my office…

In case you have been living under a rock, Ms. Gallagher portrayed Catherine Black – Frank Black’s wife – on the series. I have been a fan of her work ever since seeing her on such shows as Hill Street Blues and China Beach.

When she showed up on Millennium I was almost ecstatic.

And, as those of you who are on Myspace already know, she is listed prominently under the heading “People I’d Like To Meet” – Of course, it also states that I would probably vapor lock and babble unintelligible drivel if that ever happened. It’s probably a good thing this interview will all be done via Skype, otherwise I would most likely frighten the poor woman away.

Now, some of you may wonder why I am so smitten with Ms. Gallagher. Well, I think her photos make that obvious. However, beside the fact that she is absolutely gorgeous she is an incredible actress. The range of expression she conveys without uttering a single word simply amazes me.

And to those of you who are regular readers here, I am sure you are wondering what The Evil Redhead thinks about all of this. Well, she actually finds it amusing. Truth is, there has been a running joke between us for the 20+ years we’ve been married – If we ever parted ways, she was going to go hook up with Pierce Brosnan, and I was going to go hook up with Megan Gallagher.

For the record – E K and I are NOT parting ways – I’m way too smitten with my wife, and she doesn’t want to train another lackey –  furthermore, as noted above the bit about hooking up with celebs was a joke. We are NOT obsessed stalker types. I personally have had to deal with a couple of my own fans who have crossed that line and it’s… it’s just… well, creepy and scary.

At any rate, thanks to Troy and James I will be chatting with Megan Gallagher today…

Insert another Man Squeee here…

…So, my apologies in advance for any broken glass my incessant squeeeing may cause throughout the day.

Now, if I can just manage to get through the interview without sounding like a completely tongue-tied idiot or scaring the poor woman…

More to come…

Murv